Currently Playing: Come Clean by Hilary Duff
I’m going to paint a picture of how this blog came to be.
It’s Tuesday afternoon and my hormones are fucking raging. It’s three days before my period drops, and if you’re a person who has ovaries, you know the firestorm that I’m going through. I’m mad at everything. I hate everything about myself. There is no joy, no hope….no reason to shower. The voice in my head is telling me that all of the things I’m trying to improve my existence, will in fact, result in the same bullshit and that nothing changes. God, I miss my old life. The life I lived back in 2017 when I was running an online boutique and thought the world was my oyster. Every aspect of running that shop was fun, until it wasn’t. Until the migraines crippled me, again. Until it stopped being profitable. Until I stopped knowing how to keep it afloat. I’m telling you, this was not a great Tuesday afternoon. The day progresses, and I’m romanticizing a perceived failure. I’m remembering what I loved about the shop. Curating products, making the descriptions zippy and fun, modeling in the sassy shirts that said things like “Sad Songs” and “Awful.” Above being a job, it was a creative outlet and my god, it was a fucking good one. Until it wasn’t anymore.
So now, it’s Wednesday morning and I decided to have my coffee with a side of YouTube Tarot Card readings and good grief, this one reader seems to be looking into my soul and it’s honestly annoying but also liberating, but then exhausting because I know it’s going to mean change. And you know what, change can be great but growing and evolving are tiring, and it feels that’s all I’ve been doing lately. I switch the YouTube tab, and starting playing 888 Hrz music titled “Abundance Frequency” because I am unhinged. I’m laying on the sofa now, listening to the music, not thinking much of anything until a thought pops into my head.
“I really want a point and shoot camera.”
What the fuck was that, brain? I’ve haven’t thought about photography equipment since I ran the shop. I don’t want a camera.
But then my brain chimes in, “No, you need it. You’re going to start a blog.”
Now come the fuck on. I’m starting a blog now? Am I going to all of the sudden turn into a coordinated, curated person who lives a magical life worth telling via the art of photography, and the written word?
My brain responds back with “Yes.”
Here am I, pondering the shit out of my inner voice and trying to make sense of it. And you know what the scary thing is? I begin to understand. The thought of starting this fucking blog seeps into my brain, and somehow sets my entire body on fire and now here I am.
Writing this blog post. It’s Wednesday night. I’m sitting on the toilet. You’re welcome for that image, but it is what it is. I guess I’m starting a blog. Did I already buy a camera? Of course I did, because I have no impulse control.
But, the reason makes sense?
I forget a lot about my life. I tend to live so much in my mind that I forget reality, I forget the tangible things around me. Call it object permanence, but for memories. I need an archive of the shit I like. I’ll remember that I absolutely LOVED something to the point of hyper focus YEARS later. I also learn a lot of lessons that I tend to forget. My brain is like Groundhog’s Day for no other reason than I’m living in two worlds, the tangible world and the spirit world and often, I can’t remember which is which.
There are even more layered reasons why I’m doing this thing, but they’ll unfold as time goes on. I just know that I need to keep track of myself, because I’m afraid that I’ll fade away into my job, my everyday, the act of existing, rather than living – and I can’t let that happen.
Also, I’m absolutely going to use song lyrics as my blog titles like I’m a fucking AIM Away Message.
